A Whole Year Ago

One year ago...

I woke up in my captain's bed to the lovely view of my light blue lantern on the fireplace mantel. I looked out the window and observed the rain on the normally beautiful Merion Green. I saw the giant white tent under which I would soon become a college graduate. I put on my carefully laid out dress followed by my black "bat robe" and stohl. Panties firmly attached my square, pizza box hat to my head, for which I will always be grateful.

I nervously stood in Thomas with Slandi, waiting. The only two linguistics majors who did not boost their degree by choosing two majors.

I walked proudly into the tent in flip-flops, trying not to fall into the mud, and changed into white shoes right before walking across the stage. I smiled, and I think I waved. I remember that moment as if it happened yesterday. A few short seconds of all attention being focused on me. As we exited the tent, the girl in front of me dropped her diploma in the mud. I took obligatory photos with friends and family. In that surreal afternoon, I left my utopian life as a student.

The emotion I felt most strongly that day was longing. In the pictures I took happy and optimistic, like I was looking forward to my promising future. But I was already missing my friends and the college that I had loved since day one of freshman year. Where did all the time go? Panties and I spent one last night in my dorm room and took pictures of me all around campus. We took as much as we could fit in her gigantic trunk from the free boxes in several dorms. When we arrived at her house and crashed on the floor in her foyer, all I thought was, I want to go back! And that feeling of longing has never left me. I could list some of the things I miss about college, but that would be a fruitless and depressing exercise. I miss almost everything. People say I should get over it and my 20s is the best, most fun and free time in my life and I should enjoy it. And I do enjoy it! But I would give almost anything to be able to live in the same building as my friends and other students, have lots of music on shared itunes, have "free" food in the dining hall freshly prepared for me daily, take fun classes, go to fun activities, enjoy seasonal vacations, and have my whole future ahead of me but not burdening me. And I know I can't go back because it just wouldn't be the same.

And what have I accomplished in the past year? I've gotten a full-time job, made some money, moved out of my mom's house, had Jazz move in with me, written a poem about how I have less impact on the world than a grapefruit, learned the price (monetary and emotional) of living in the "real world" and decided I don't like it at all and I wish college could go on forever and, also, maybe I should have majored in something else or just considered my future before I got to graduation day.

Hmm. Back then I was excited about my future possibilities. Maybe I can get some of that excitement back and work towards something that I will find fulfilling. Maybe in the next year I'll learn to love my life and be happy where I am today. But I doubt I will ever lose my nostalgic longing for those 4 idyllic years I spent at Bryn Mawr. I am so lucky to have had that experience.