How to win over a receptionist in 8 easy weeks

Week 1. Write cute one-liners on the back of FedEx request forms.

Week 2. When work is slow, come lean against the desk sexily and chat, and/or stand behind me and share jokes and secrets, like Jim from the Office.

Week 3. Plan a surprise office birthday party for me. Leave me wondering whose idea it was, then subtly drop a hint that it was yours. (If it's not my birthday this week, fake it. I won't say anything.)

Week 4. Call the front desk and say you urgently need help with something in your office. Close the door and kiss me passionately.

Week 5. Inappropriately mention all of your personal life goals, such as how much you want to adopt multiracial children.

Week 6. Ask if I'm available to work overtime, then have me meet you at the office on Saturday. Show up naked with a tattoo of me on your chest. Lead me into your office, where you have set up a giant bondage playground. "But I've never done this before," I'll whimper. "Don't worry. I'll show you the ropes," you'll say, winking. Your clever pun will win my heart, or at least my nether regions.

Week 7. Show me I'm not just another bondage buddy by bringing me food. Preferably some kind of nut-free baked good with an engagement ring hidden inside.

Week 8. Tell my supervisor that you are planning a pre-wedding honeymoon and somehow convince her to let you apply for time off on my behalf. Book a vacation so amazing that, even if I'm totally creeped out by you going behind my back, I'll go with you. While there, ply me with alcohol until I fall for you.


If only.