My Cease and Desist Letter

Dear David Anderson,

Please stop calling me at work. You are a robotic voice man; I am a human girl with real needs and wants. We are not meant to be.

I do not want to buy into your loan modification program or whatever it is you are trying to scam innocent Americans into. I don't care if we have 100 trunk lines. I have already told you to stop calling at least 25 of them. Is that not enough? I have no choice but to assume that you are stalking me.

I'm out of patience. These are your options.

1. Maybe we can work out some sort of deal. Yes, I am talking about sexual favors. If you are indeed a real robot man, your mechanical parts are probably disease-free, and would that even count as cheating on my boyfriend? I'm pretty sure I don't even have to mention it to him. For one night of passion, in which I treat you like the human you wish you could be, would you be satisfied enough to stop calling me?

2. If not, I am going to hunt you down and take pleasure in disconnecting your voice box, or maybe manipulating your voice to be unreasonably high, like the evil dog from Up who loses his menace. Then I will light you on fire and cackle as your voice dies with the flames.

Sincerely,
Skye